Far-Off Horizon [Emi]

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Guess it's time to lay it all out.
--

Emi turned around in the chair to face the computer. After she typed in where she wanted to go, she hung her head. She couldn't concentrate anymore. What a loaded question that was. She wasn't sure how to answer. It was Castle. They didn't even really know each other that well, then again when she really thought about it... she didn't know Zexion either and she went ahead and just spilled her guts to him. Might as well. What could it hurt?

"No, I haven't been alright,[/color]" she said, rubbing her face. She turned back around. This chair was beginning to make her busy so she got up and started pacing around. "I don't really know what happened... after what happened in the forest I guess you could say I went back to the way I was.[/color]"

Stupid. How could he know the way she was?

"I should probably apologize. There was a lot going on that you didn't know about the past few days,[/color]" she continued. Now, the question was should she tell him about what she'd almost done in Notre Dame?

[Castle]

Well, that was certainly unexpected. Emi wasn't angry, or irritated, or even secretive this time. She just told him something. It caught him off guard, and at first he didn't know what to say.

The way you were...? He raised an eyebrow, but before he could get the question out, she did something else unexpected. She apologized. He blinked his quizzical expression away.

Then, something occurred to him. She openly admitted that there were things going on lately that he didn't know about, which was really no surprise to him. In fact, he'd practically known it already. But, as soon as she said that, his thoughts traveled to the day before, and the resentment he felt then finally resurfaced. He averted his gaze to the floor by his right side.

"Like what you were doing at Notre Dame yesterday?" he guessed before he could stop himself, if he would have wanted to stop himself. He'd find out in a moment.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Here we go...
--

"Yeah, like what I was doing at Notre Dame yesterday,[/color]" Emi told him. She sighed. She was going to have to tell him, wasn't she? She bit her lip, stopped pacing and dropped her hands to her side. She looked right at Castle and faced her decision for the first time. "I wasn't planning on it when we went there but when I was walking around by myself I went in a cathedral. Actually, I went up on top, on one of the towers. And... I was going to jump.[/color]"

There. She'd said it. The ball was rolling. In case he didn't quite understand what she was trying to say, she continued. "Yeah. I was going to kill myself. Back in Traverse Town, on my birthday... you know how Jericho showed up? Well, he said some stuff to me and honestly, he was right. I decided that I just... all I do is hurt people. All I've ever done is hurt people.[/color]"

Back to pacing. She was walking back and forth, combing her fingers through her hair and shaking. "I changed my mind though. You know, it's so funny... in the past, I never once thought about do this. Hurting myself, sure.[/color]"

[Castle]

At the word "jump," Castle's gaze returned to her, and his lips parted slightly in what might have been a gasp if he'd gotten the breath in. The word froze him, and he was very still, save for some blinking, as she continued her explanation. She was serious. She was seriously going to kill herself back there, and he had no idea.

All I've ever done is hurt people.

He looked away again, briefly, his hands curled into fists, but not in an angry way. Or, was it? If it was, it was a weird anger, one that was worse than normal. Normal anger exhilarated him. This just made him feel sick.

She seemed really upset now. He could see her shaking. What was he supposed to do? All that time hanging out with girls, and he still didn't know how to act around them. Not really.

"Emi..." he began, and then sighed and chose something else to say, "Well, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. That would have screwed things up, big time."

And Jericho's just a maniac who should have his tongue cut out, but Castle didn't add that part.

But, there was something he did want to add, and he did so after a quick shake of his head,
"But, you haven't been, you know, hurting yourself, lately, have you?" he blurted.

For some reason, he hated the thought of her doing something like that while he was powerless to stop her. He knew she had scars on her wrists. Had she been doing any more of that...?

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Emi is confused. She hurt herself in her confusion.
--

Emi hesitated before she answer. "Well, no" she finally said, but from the tone of her voice it was obvious there was something still left to be explained. She knew Castle had seen her arms. She'd felt him staring in Atlantica, and there was no way he could have miss Jericho's comment back in the forest and her subsequent reaction.

"I haven't cut myself, if that's what you mean,[/color]" she continued. "I think that is more the fact I never had an opportunity to. I thought about it, but never really got a chance with you around. So I guess I should probably thank you for that.[/color]"

She leaned against the wall, her restless pacing finally coming to a stop. She was still shaking, however, and she crossed her arms and held herself as if she was cold. "I didn't do that, but there are other ways. My birthday...[/color]" she started, but trailed off, looking off to the side somewhere. That night had been a disaster. "I wanted to get drunk. I was having nightmares and... hallucinations, I think? There was this guy-- no, you don't want to hear that story. Anyway. I had to go something to get it out of my head. Had to do something to stop the memories. Getting drunk worked. For a little while at least.[/color]"

The whole night was a blur. She remembered Jericho, and she remembered falling asleep on Castle along with vague images of that girl from Radiant Garden and the guy with her. Lillian, and... she didn't remember his name. She got other vague memories, too, but they weren't memories of things that happened. They were memories of things she thought about doing but didn't go through with. She shuddered as she recalled these things.

"In a way, yeah. I hurt myself.[/color]"

She sighed. "All that kind of built up I guess and when we ran into Jericho in Traverse Town I kind of lost it. Is it just me or did I like... go crazy and punch a wall? Because my knuckles still hurt.[/color]"

She looked at her hands. Nothing was visible because of her gloves but when she made a fist, her hand hurt. She'd definitely punched something. "That night was the beginning of the end. By the time we made it to Notre Dame, I was already contemplating it and when I saw the cathedral... I just..[/color]"

She took a minute to recall the evening. "Jericho was up there, you know. I don't know why we keep running into each other, but isn't it kind of funny that he would be there? Actually, you know, this girl that was with him... she was actually the one who pulled me down,[/color]" she said, laughing a little at the end. "I slapped her for it. I feel really bad too.[/color]"

[Castle]

Most of this was going over Castle's head, or maybe it was going straight in but not forming an organized line for him to process. One day, Emi was shut tighter than a clam to him, and now, she was telling him more than he ever thought she would tell him in a year. Eventually, he backed up so he could lean against the wall across from her, his arms crossed. He hoped she knew he was actually listening to all this, even if he really didn't know how to respond.

After a moment, he came up with something;
"I feel bad for her, too, if she's stuck traveling with Jericho," he joked weakly, though he did wonder what kind of situation that was. Oh well. Not his problem.

"Oh, and, yeah, you were totally owning that wall. It didn't stand a chance," he continued. His tone wasn't as jovial as his words would imply, since he really couldn't bring it up to that point during a conversation like this. Even so, he hoped it would make a positive difference for Emi's mood.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

These little therapy sessions always seem to help...
--

Emi laughed. It surprised her. Something about telling Castle what had happened had actually made her feel a lot better, and so his jokes kind of worked. She shook her head. Maybe this talking to people thing wasn't so bad. She felt so much...lighter already. She figured since she was on a role she might as well do the apologizing and the thanking.

"You know,[/color]" she said. "I never got a chance to in Notre Dame but I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry for everything that happened in Atlantica and for being such a bitch these past few days and for beating the crap out of you.[/color]"

She cringed, remembering that. "I also need to thank you. If you hadn't been around, I probably would have done a lot more that I regret. Even in Traverse Town when you could have just left me and stayed home with your family, you didn't. So, thank you. A lot.[/color]"

She pushed off the wall and clapped her hands together. "Well, that felt good. I wonder if there is anything else I can get off my chest... nah, it can wait. I don't want to overload you.[/color]"

Emi couldn't remember feeling like this in a long, long time. There was still work to be done of course, but she felt like she was on the right track.

[Castle]

Boy, was it good to hear her laugh. Castle was relieved. It seemed like her dark episode had passed, and now, she was both apologizing to him and thanking him. Cheerful, non-brooding Emi was a strange and foreign entity, but he could deal with it. Maybe she'd even stay happy for a while.

He laughed a little and got up from the wall as well.
"Apology accepted. And trust me, I've been beaten up a lot worse. No offense, but I think I was winning that fight we had," he said impishly. However, his manner sobered a little. "And... you're welcome, I guess. I'm glad I was good for something other than bugging you all this time."

He rested a hand on his hip and glanced out the window at the savannah. This conversation was kind of weird, but in a strangely good way. Even so, he would be happy not to have another one like it for a while. A long, long while. That was some heavy stuff, the kind that he usually tried to stay away from. At least it ended on a high note.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

This is going to be hard. I hate apologies.
--

Emi smirked and leaned over, pinching Castle's cheek. "Aww, you thought you were winning? That's cute,[/color]" she said. He knew and she knew that he was right, but she wasn't ready to admit defeat especially to a midget like him. Still smiling a little, she left him and turned to the keyboard. "Let's get out of here,[/color]" she said while she tapped a few keys. They were on their way after a few seconds and she couldn't help but be a little... excited? It was like excitement, but a bit more negative.

She shook her head. No, she was going to get closure. It had been two years now and she had left without notice. She needed this, so there was no reason to be afraid. Seeing the name of the world on the screen though... it filled her with all sorts of emotions. Not all of them were pleasant. She tried to focus on the good things. Maybe she could find that couple she used to live with and apologize. She'd left them too, and they hadn't been on good terms. She couldn't imagine what it must have been like for them to see their foster daughter go out of control... and then one day she just wasn't there. They must have been terrified.

She would definitely need to go see them.

She tapped her fingers on the keyboard and sighed. It was going to be kind of a long trip. She turned to Castle. "Maybe we should have invested in a board game or something. I'm so bored![/color]"