Nobodies Don't Cry [Axel]

[Jay]

...am I mistaken?
August ??, 2010

Saïx had left. That was the shorter verion of what had occurred in The Castle That Never Was between he and Axel. Of course, it was some fluke of nature, something, that had caused his berserk to activate. Why else would he have acted as if he truly had emotions? He could still remember, even now, that he did not. No; for him, emotions no longer existed. they were just a memory, something he knew and used against others.

If the regaining of his heart would occur, then he might would be able to feel those emotions again, as he could remember doing. But now? In this shell, a mockery of his former self? No; his Other. Calling his Other anything in reference to himself might cause a fixation, or lead his mind to believe that they were one and the same. They were not. No, not anymore.

That was the problem with Axel's thinking. They were not one and the same, Saïx and Isa. Saïx lacked something very important: his heart, and, with it, any feelings of emotion. Thus, the only thing he could rely on was his memories from his Other. "But that wasn't enough," he muttered to himself, looking down atop the town from his vantage point on the clock tower, a position of power.

Memories had not been enough, not to keep his former friend. Saïx had understood that without emotion, one cannot cling to those feelings. You have to separate yourself, keep them apart, otherwise the lust for what you cannot have will consume you. Yet Axel still did not understand. It pained him--or would, had he a heart--to see such from his closest friend. Or who had once been his closest friend. Whichever it was now.

But now, standing atop this clock tower, he did not feel as mighty as he thought he would. Looking down at the town below, instead, he remembered a feeling he had once had, long before, as Isa; Saïx remembered the feeling of distance, being separate. Even as far as he could remember, he had felt as though he was distant from the others around him, separate, in some impermeable way. In the worst possible way, even.

Irrational as it was, he remembered it now and frowned. "Why should I be sorrowful? Why?" Looking up, he saw the sun in its perpetual state of twilight for which the town was named and almost smiled. But that would have implied feeling something, and all it was was a memory. Isa and Lea...the closeness they had shared. It was something Saïx had hoped--secretly, of course--the two would keep wothin the Organization. Yet Axel chose a false friendship over their memories, chose one falsified by faux, pretend emotions. It was not real!

And yet still, Axel had chosen it. Could it be that I have been wrong all this time, not Axel? Perhaps it is not he stubbornly willing to refuse truth but I... Yet that was an absurd line of thought. His opinions were based on logic! Logic was not inherently flawed, was it? And yet, a nagging doubt still remained within his mind, wearing away at his resolve.

Saïx felt something upon his face. Raising a hand, he was surprised to find that, upon examining it, he found it wet. Obviously, there must have been a raindrop. There was no other explanation. No other possible explanation. No, a cloud had passed overhead and left a drop of rain upon his face as a remnant of its passing. A memory, by which to remember it.

For Nobodies don't cry...

[Aerith]

Well, isn't this ironic?
--------

How many days had been spent in a mental fog? The true meaning of the Nobody's non-existence had never been clearer to Axel. He was nothing, in every sense of the word. So empty, like a bottomless well with no promise of water. Promises. Had he made promises? How many? To whom? All of them had been broken, hadn't they? Fragile sheets of glass that had finally shattered, despite his efforts to keep everything intact.

No. Saïx had been right. The more Axel had tried to hold everything together, the faster everything crumbled. And all because he was selfish at his core. Was that not what a Nobody was? Thinking of no one but himself? Under such a lens, his sacrifice to save Sora's life could be construed as selfish. He claimed he wanted his former friend back--either of them--but only so that they could help him regain what he sought. The ghostly remnants of feelings.

Was that so wrong? Everyone should want to feel. The ability to empathize, to whatever degree, was so basic to the human psyche. Without it, he was not human. He knew this. Some might call emotions a weakness and desire to be rid of them. Anyone who thought that should be subjected to the experience of being unable to emote, no matter how hard he or she tried.

He had wandered the darkness of the Corridors for so long that when he suddenly felt the warmth of sunlight on his face, he jerked out of his thoughts. Unintentionally, he had arrived in none other than Twilight Town. On top of the clock tower, no less. If that wasn't enough...

Saïx.[/i]

Instantly, he was on his guard. They had not parted on friendly terms, from what he could remember. The Diviner had almost wanted to kill him, and Axel had no reason to believe he would not carry out that want right here and now. He should have turned and melted back into the darkness, but something compelled him to stay.

For a long while, he was silent, unsure of what to say. And then he said the first words that came to him. "I thought you hated it up here."[/font]

[Jay]

Saïx turned at the sound. Axel. The one individual he wanted to see the least right now. This really was quite the ironic situation, but the Luna Diviner was not enjoying the irony. No, this was not a situation he was wanting. "It seemed to fit my current situation," he said with a hint of sarcasm. It wasn't as though he had stated a fallacy, though. It was really quite true.

The perpetual state of sunset that this work lived in, never fully bathed in light, never fully shrouded in darkness; it was quite fitting for the Nobodies in general. More specifically, it fit Saïx quite well. Yes, it fit him near perfectly, in fact. Without a heart, he was left in a perpetually unchanging state, while he watched the worlds around, all that he had once known, changing and growing.

Sad as it was in the abstract, he could not dredge up any feeling for it, though. "I wasn't expecting to see you any time soon. We parted on less than amicable terms." That was an understatement. when they last parted, Saïx had stepped through a Corridor of Darkness, barely able to control that berserker part of him. He had almost summoned his weapon and struck Axel.

But that was utterly illogical of him. Just because they differed on points, disagreed, and Axel was wrong, did not mean he should be so explosively angry as he had been. No; anger implied emotion. Simply a berserk rage, a remnant of a memory of anger, perhaps. Nothing beyond that.

Saïx nearly wanted to rescind all that he had said; but most of it was truth. Axel could not see beyond the moment, and he was right to point that out. Perhaps not in so heated a manner, but regardless. Yet, that friendship they had once had might return, if but for those words. Lies were necessary in any relationship; utter truth was devastating for any to behold.

And still Saïx kept his mouth closed. He gave not a hint of his inner turmoil; he would not let Axel see him brought so low by mere memories, by an argument between them. Saïx was better than that, stronger than that.

And so, he merely fixed Axel with a look that said little to nothing. He couldn't find anything more to say at the moment. But that mattered not; Axel would say something.

[Aerith]

I'll admit this.
--------

He would normally have feigned emotion at this point--anger at Saïx for being here in the place where Axel and Roxas had most often idled, sadness for the current situation, loneliness. But he felt nothing, just as he should not. Lacking the will or the energy to pretend, the Flame met the Diviner's gaze with an equally blank stare.

The silence dragged on, stretching into an eternity. What good were words at this point? Saïx had already said enough.

"I know I was always the impulsive one, even before..." In that life that seemed so far away now, shrouded in a haze of time that refused to turn backwards. "I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm not going to pretend with you anymore. If this is the way you want things to be, then I'll stop trying to grasp at the past. I get it. We can't be friends anymore. Not really. I should...I know I should be upset by that, but I can't be."

He tried. He tried so hard to force up something. Only emptiness lurked inside him. His strength of will alone was not enough. No heart suddenly burst back into existence.

"I know I'm selfish, and I know I only look out for myself. I want what I want now, and when I can't have it, I do things that may not be the most rational or practical. Lea was always like that, too. Isa would remember." It had been some time since he had fully acknowledged himself as a separate entity from his Other. But the yawning hole in his chest would not allow him to continue thinking otherwise.

[Jay]

Showing weakness.

The silence kept. Not only did Saïx remain silent, but Axel seemed to have nothing to say, either. It became quite awkward, standing there saying nothing, the two staring each other in the eyes. They really had little to say that hadn't already been said. Well, excepting anything that might close that gap that stood between them, but neither of them were stepping forward to do anything.

But then Axel spoke. And he said all of the wrong words. True words, yes, but the wrong words. Not bridging the gap; accepting it. Saïx could not believe it. Axel was giving up. After years, he would just accept it. He had finally decided their friendship could not exist in their current state, a decision Saïx himself had made soon after they became Nobodies. This should make him satisfied, shouldn't it? It was what he had wanted, wasn't it?

But no. Though he could not say it, this was not what he wanted at all. He did remember, dammit, he remember every last one of the times they had spent together, much as he might want to forget. And Saïx knew he never would. Their times together were close to his...self, since it wasn't his heart. He could no more forget those memories than he could stop being who he was.

It was enough to make Saïx want to sigh. Yet he did not. "Your irrationality was part of why we became friends," he said instead, no emotion behind it, just words being said. It was the truth; Lea and Isa likely would not have become friends if not for that fact. But that wasn't the point of saying it. In that sentence, Saïx as much as apologized.

He referred to them as if their Others were themselves. It was as close to admitting he was wrong as he had ever come, at least in years past. It was an affirmation of their ties, a statement that he had not given up; it was a reminder, that they were friends for a reason. Looking away, Saïx said quietly, "I know you think I disliked your friendship with Thirteen mostly because you were abandoning me. Truly, I was jealous."

Turning his back to Axel, he continued. Might as well, now that he's started. "I let you keep thinking that it was because I knew our memories were better than any pretend creation, any fabrication of yours, and that was part of it, but there was a part of me that was jealous. That you could have a new friend, that you could move beyond needing your heart for friendship. That I was so weak."

And there it was. It was out. Saïx had been weak, unable to continue on without his heart. He had fought, dedicated his entire nothing towards becoming what he once was. Because without it, he could not grow. Could not become something greater. Without his heart, Saïx knew he was weaker, and he despised his weakness. "I despised you for a while, but I despised myself more, for that weakness." He laughed, a bitter sound.

Looking up at the sky, Saïx watched the neverending, futile sunset. Just like him, striving for something that would never happen. "That's why I dedicated myself towards getting our hearts back. It would make me strong again, I thought, and then everything would be back to how it was before." Saïx shook his head. "Were it so simple."

[Aerith]

Surprise, surprise.
--------

The Diviner's back was turned, so he did not see the cracks in Axel's smooth, emotionless expression. Still, there was no true feeling, but the will to pretend was quickly returning with every word that came from Saïx's mouth. The revelation struck him like a freight train. How long had Saïx felt--or thought--that way? Jealousy was the last thing Axel would have expected his former friend to admit. Oddly enough, the memory of having power over someone else floated to the surface of his consciousness. He had done something Saïx could not do and stepped completely out of the Diviner's shadow.

The news clarified many things. Not least of which was Saïx's treatment of Roxas. Exactly how to respond to it, however, eluded Axel.

"This is typical of you, isn't it?" He crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head to look off to the side. "Hiding what's really going on in that head, never letting anyone know too much about you... I'm surprised you ever let me be your friend. Must say something about my persistence."

Was this suddenly going to make everything better? No. Axel doubted that. But at least they weren't trying to kill each other for the time being. And the fact still remained that without their hearts, the feelings associated with friendship would not be present between them. Maybe, though, he could pretend well enough that the absence would not be noticed.

He had been able to do that with Roxas, after all. Of course, that might have been because of his connection to Sora. Everyone knew by now that there was something special about that kid's heart.

"If that's what you thought, then why didn't you say anything? Things might have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have had to die. Maybe you wouldn't have, either."

[Jay]

Things get better with time.

Saïx couldn't turn to face his former friend, now. He used former in his mind because he wasn't sure what else to use. They certainly weren't very friendly with each other right now. Axel took a moment or two to sort through what the Diviner had said, but when he was done, the words he spoke were biting, as if intended to cause a slight.

But Saïx felt no mental turmoil, nothing in his mind was amiss at this. This was, after all, the truth. He did never let anyone into his mind. It was the simple truth. But yet, there was a pang of something, a twinge, something, that told him he should feel remorse at his past mistakes.

Except he refused to admit they were mistakes. Saïx had always acted logically, excepting his moments of rage. He had done what he thought was logical, which was the right thing to do. Wasn't it? Logic made sense; therefore, it had to be the right decision, to follow logic. What made sense had to be right. If he began to think otherwise, his entire idea structure would need changing.

But then Axel asked the loaded question. Why hadn't he said anything sooner? Saïx laughed, not a brief, sarcastic laugh, but a long laugh, one that doubled his back. He kept laughing for several minutes before he stopped and turned around, breathing heavily. "Thank you, really. I haven't been this close to feeling true mirth since I had a heart.

"You know me better than that. Why would I say anything? Why would I admit that I was acting on something other than logic and reason? Why admit jealousy? I thought it would drive you away; the only reason I tell you now is because it seems not telling you already has." Where logic failed him, perhaps truth would save him. Perhaps they could one day be friends again. Perhaps they might regain their hearts.

One might as well wish for the sun to stop moving.

[Aerith]

Where does this leave us?
--------

Well, that reaction was completely unexpected. Seeing Saïx lose his composure to that extent was an experience Axel had not had in such a long time. Even before they had lost their hearts, Isa had been the calm and composed one. This was borderline madness for Saïx, despite the muted nature of the outburst.

"You're welcome," Axel replied skeptically. Saïx was in as good of a mood as he had ever seen him, but that was not enough to get Axel to lower his guard. He crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head.

"Yeah, not telling me hasn't helped. But I guess there isn't anything we can do about that now, is there?" He regarded Saïx with a stare that was beginning to approach something a little softer than the indifference he had previously adopted.

[Jay]

Something inside me wants me to want you to say yes.

If Saïx would have known that Axel thought he was in a good mood, he would have laughed again. That laugh, however, would have been sarcastic and mocking, as well as brief. He was still far from doing well; in fact, he was doing worse than he had ever been doing in the past. Logic was failing him! Things were no longer making sense. Why would that make him in a good mood?

"True. There isn't much we can do about the past," the Diviner said, fixing his gaze upon Axel. His composure was back in full; outwardly, it seemed as if he had never lost it. But both of them knew better than that; both knew what had happened mere moments ago. To try to deny it would be to try to deny that Xemnas made monologues, while he still was in nonexistence. That is to say, even the idea of it is completely and utterly laughable.

"The future is entirely changeable, however." The words were entirely innocuous, or so they seemed; Saïx stated them in an offhand manner, as if waving it off as unimportant. But the tone behind his voice said otherwise. "It is a mutable thing, not yet fixed into its final form. It can be changed just as easily as the direction of a falling feather, and it can be forced in a direction about as easily." He dropped a feather to prove this; it blew around the building, buffeted by winds.

"But the question remains: would it make any difference?" His eyes fixed Axel's in their gaze. The question seemed to almost echo. This was where the conversation had been fated to go, where it had been drawn, like the sea towards the shore or the wolf's howl towards the moon. "Will there be a change? Can I change? Can you? Is it possible for us to return to the capability of being friends? So many questions. And the most important: do we need each other anymore?"

That was the main question, the one that both had thought but had been too afraid to speak, ever since they became Nobodies and began drifting apart. They could very likely retain their friendship, but were they necessary to each other anymore? That was the question. Their friendship had kept them going while they had hearts; now that they lacked them, did they need it?

Irrationally, deep within the crevice where his heart should have been, a tiny voice whispered that Saïx did, in fact, need Axel, that he needed a friend more than anything else. But that voice was irrational, and not Saïx's own. Ignoring it, he awaited Axel's response.