Chain Reaction [Emi]

[Aerith]

Let's talk, woman-to-woman.
--------

When the Corridor opened back up, Nadia breathed in the now familiar scent of cold air mingling with seawater. Everything was shaded in a pale half-light, thanks to the moon-sun. This place was not nearly as dark as the End of the World, but it was close. Still very pleasant, more so now that she had opened herself further to the darkness.

She had brought Emi here for several reasons. For one, it was peaceful here, even for one not completely given over to darkness. Taking Emi to the End of the World might not have gone over so well. Besides, Nadia was reluctant to bring just anyone there. She had begun thinking of that place more and more as her home. At least, the closest she could get to a home for now. If she brought random people there, she would feel as if she were ruining it.

Walking toward the water, Nadia seemed to forget Emi for a moment. Finally, she spoke, her voice slightly gentler than it typically was when she spoke to Emi.

"I don't understand why you're so stubborn. You haven't even given darkness a chance. Are you just like everyone else who flees from it because of some perpetuated belief that there is nothing good about it?"

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Wha--AAAAOOOOHSHIT.
---

And once again, Emi was being taken to places she didn't know against her will. It had happened so fast there hadn't really been much of a chance to protest.

They were somewhere dark. And quiet. Compared to the chaos of the past few hours, this was... well, almost relaxing. It would have been, anyway, had Emi not turned to watch Nadia walk away.

An ocean. A dark ocean, like something out of one of her many, many drowning themed nightmares. Her heart pounded, and she broke into a sweat. Had Nadia planned this? She had gone through Emi's head so no doubt she knew about her severe phobia of water.

She whimpered, and tried to suppress the sound by putting a hand over her mouth. Don't let her see you weak.. she thought, but she was quickly losing any kind of train of thought. The only thing she saw, and the only thing she could think about, was the ocean.

Nadia's words went in one ear and out the other. Emi was too busy standing there, trying to calm herself down before she had a panic attack and ended up writhing in the sand, sobbing and hyperventilating.

[Aerith]

Quick change of plans.
--------

Odd. Why had Emi decided to stop talking now?

Nadia turned to look at her and saw her obvious terror. Then, she remembered seeing something about a fear of water in Emi's memories. Of course. They would need to move away from the shore a good distance.

Then again, this could be advantageous. Fear was an emotion darkness fed upon. And right now, Emi was displaying far more fear than she had ever shown rage.

Walking back over to her, Nadia regarded Emi with a neutral expression. "Are you afraid?" she asked softly. "Do you feel powerless? Helpless? Do you wish you didn't feel so afraid?"

[Oathkeeper Emi]

This isn't really the best time to be asking me questions....
--

"Shut up,[/color] Emi snapped at her. She took a step back, trying to pull her eyes away from the water and over to Nadia. It was a struggle to stop the "what-if" thought cycle. "Just get the hell away from me. You did this on purpose. You and Jericho both just like to see me and anyone else squirm.[/color]"

Talking meant she could rationalize things, and that meant she could make herself feel better. Slowly, she looked to Nadia. So many things she wanted to say, and she might have said them if she wasn't so afraid. A few times, she opened her mouth as if she were going to speak and then closed it again.

I really shouldn't be stupid. She wouldn't even need to mess with my head she could just toss me in the wa-- no, she can probably read your thoughts. Blank slate... be a blank slate. Don't think about anything, especially not the deep, dark, scary ocean of death and despair...waiting to swallow you up so you can see and can't breathe and then you'll die just like you always knew you would...

She shuddered. She really wanted to go somewhere else but she doubted Nadia would comply. There was no choice but to just suck it up... still, she turned and walked several steps back up the beach where it was drier and less scary. "Why did you even bring me here anyway?[/color]" she asked, keeping her back turned to Nadia and the water. "Or are you just messing with me again?[/color]"

Emi was by no means completely over her fear. Her heart was still racing and she was beginning to feel a bit woozy and nauseated. She was still swallowing back tears. But as long as the water wasn't in her line of sight, maybe she could string together some coherent thoughts and words.

[Aerith]

If I have to spell everything out, this is going to take a while.
--------

Telling people to stop talking seemed to be Emi's default response to everything. Too bad it wasn't going to work very well here.

Nadia shook her head and followed Emi away from the water. "'Mess' with you? No. I didn't plan any of this out. I've already told you why I brought you here. Must I repeat myself?"

Upon reaching Emi's side, Nadia glanced at her and then sat down in the sand. She traced incomprehensible patterns next to her. "I brought you here because I don't understand you. You, however, also don't understand me. I want to fix that."

In the midst of her sand drawing, Nadia was struck with an idea, one that might come in handy later should this conversation prove to go nowhere fast. She tucked the idea away as a contingency plan.

"Why do you reject the darkness when you've hardly given it a chance? I've seen your memories. You have led a difficult life. Why do you struggle to keep a foot in the light? It's so much easier to let go. Much more satisfying."

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Let me tell you something.
--

Sitting down wasn't such a bad idea, given the world was spinning around her. The younger girl sat down next to Nadia, drawing her knees to her chest and putting her head down. Her back was still to the ocean. "Yeah, you do need to repeat yourself. It was kind of hard to hear you the first time, excuse me,[/color]" she muttered, and shoved both hands into her hair. Nadia kept talking until finally Emi groaned and looked up.

"Why is it so hard for you to understand that maybe some people don't want to give in to the darkness, no matter how good it feels?[/color]" she asked. "Who cares if that's what's 'easiest'? That doesn't mean it's the right thing. You've seen my memories, so you should know. I used to be all about instant gratification and feeling good and the only thing it gave me was scars. Physical and emotional. Who wants that?[/color]"

She searched the dark sky, grasping for words to try and explain what she felt. "I don't want to end up like you. I don't want to end up like Jericho...[/color]" She looked over to Nadia. "That's the whole reason you had to pull me down off the cathedral. I saw myself becoming a monster. I saw myself doing what others did to me. And I didn't like it. The fact of the matter is that it may be hard to cling to the light but I don't like what darkness does to me. I'd rather struggle to keep my head above water than let myself drown. I'd just go right back to the way I was.[/color]"

She looked back down at her knees, not sure if she was talking to Nadia or herself now. "Giving in to the darkness is the same kind of easy out as...[/color]" Not really wanting to finish that sentence, as personal as it was, she trailed off. Nadia would know what she was talking about.

[Aerith]

I think you want to retract that.
--------

After Emi finished, Nadia sat in stony silence for a long time. Slowly, her hand curled into a fist in the sand, though the rest of her body language remained neutral.

Without looking at Emi, Nadia spoke in a dangerously quiet voice. "Right? So, you think it's wrong to seek pleasure and comfort if they're found by surrendering to the darkness? What is right and what is wrong? Whose definition are you using for either? You make it sound like there is an objective standard by which we're all measured."

Her fist tightened, and she finally looked at Emi. "Do you want to know what many people thought was right? Let me show you."

Nadia touched Emi's mind again, but this time in a different way. She connected Emi to her own mind and allowed her to see, feel, taste, hear her memories.

The day she was exiled from Agrabah floated to the surface, complete with all the confusion and fear that came with it. She let Emi settle on that one for a while before shifting her to the day she returned to Agrabah with Jericho. Nadia made sure they stayed there long enough for Emi to feel every ounce of emotional and physical pain she had.

By now, reliving the memories had caused her fury to boil over. She abruptly shoved Emi out of her mind and stood to her feet.

"Was that right? Don't try to tell me that was wrong, because they didn't think so. None of them did. Humans never define right and wrong by anything other than what will benefit them the most. Even if it means killing off your own daughter because she has something you don't understand at all. They're all so hypocritical and superficial and disgusting and I hate them!"

She had gotten progressively louder, and now she noticed she was shaking. It was almost as if she had forgotten Emi was even there.

After taking a few deep breaths, she turned her back on Emi. "You'll never understand if you keep thinking like that. Saying I'm essentially killing myself by choosing the darkness is nothing but uninformed drivel. Until you've gone as deep as I have, you can't even begin to imagine what it's like."

[Nadia used Perception.
Posts until next use: 2
Uses remaining: 4]

[Oathkeeper Emi]

That... that's just...
--

Emi tried to speak but every time she was overruled by Nadia. By the time Emi was able to get a word in edgewise, it was too late... Nadia was already inside her head again.

When the memories first started, it wasn't so bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but it wasn't anything Emi couldn't handle. Confusion and fear were familiar feelings for her, too. But then... it got bad. Really bad.

Agrabah. She'd never been to that world, so it was unfamiliar. It was hot there but what was even worse than that was the pain. She thought she had been in pretty severe pain before. Cocaine withdrawals and being impaled weren't the most pleasant things to go through. But this pain was different. It was fatal. And that was just the physical pain. Emi never had much of a family, but the memory provided everything she needed to know for the notion of a family turning against Nadia to sicken her. Emi herself would have given anything to have a family and they would just... they would...

When Nadia pushed Emi back into reality, Emi found herself crying. The one thing she had been trying so hard not to do this whole time. But, what else was she supposed to do? There was no other way to express the pain Nadia had shared with her. She sat there the entire time Nadia continued talking, crying harder than she had in a long time. She buried her face in her arms, feeling quite childish and stupid.

It was hard not to feel some kind of sympathy... no, sympathy wasn't the right word. Pity? She didn't know what she felt. All she knew is that she didn't want to feel it for Nadia.

Finally, Emi took a deep shuddering breath and looked up, dragged a sleeve across her eyes and spoke. "I think I see where you're coming from but the rest of it sounds pretty damn hypocritical to me.[/color]"

[Aerith]

Maybe we're getting somewhere now.
--------

Good. At least she understood a little. She had an inkling of how disgusting humans were. As for the rest, Nadia didn't care.

"Have you ever met someone who is not at least a little hypocritical? Besides, you must still think of me as human, when I'm not."

She turned back to Emi and smirked. "Monsters have little use for morality, even pretend constructs. So, hypocrisy isn't exactly a concern of mine. I've found something that makes me happy, and I damn well deserve happiness."

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Ignorance is bliss. So why am I so unhappy all the time?
--

Emi snorted. "Good for you. It's funny you should say that because you and Jericho seem to be all for taking away everything that makes me happy...you know, like my friends, my home, my sanity. That sort of thing,[/color]" she said, quietly, and tucked her hair behind one hair. The gesture was childish, but it fit her mood. Sitting still wasn't an option. She was feeling restless, so she picked up a handful of sand and let it run through her fingers. As she watched it, she kept talking.

"I think this is where we agree to disagree, Nadia. Jericho forced me to come with you guys because I have a keyblade. That's the only reason I came. I didn't come for some heart to heart, or some big life changing journey. I want to get the job done and go home.[/color]"

The moment the words came out of her mouth, she regretted it and winced at how stupid she sounded. There was no way she was coming out of this unchanged. It had already begun. She knew it couldn't possibly be as simple as "getting the job done and going home." But, if she wanted to keep her sanity, she had to cling to the belief that one day everything would be back to normal and she could finally settle down and rest for a little while...

[Aerith]

Are you sure that's what happened?
--------

Nadia smiled. "Oh, is it funny? Or is it just a lie? Do you really have a home anywhere? Or friends? I don't think we've really taken anything away from you at all. You've simply never had anything to begin with."

She tapped a finger against her cheek. "No, if you really think about it, we've only given you something for very little. You have a chance to have a real purpose, not a false one you keep searching for. Why wouldn't you want that?"

Putting on a confused expression, Nadia decided to act on the idea she had tucked away earlier. Since she already knew what she was looking for, this would be quick.

She delved into Emi's memories this time and immediately found all her memories of Jericho. Beginning with the memories of Beast's Castle, she suppressed every event Emi had within her during which Jericho was present. Except one. She left the memory of him fixing her emotions, putting her back together to stop her from trying to kill herself again. She was aware that doing too much at once would probably strain Emi, so she also left intact a good portion of the Jericho memories since they had taken her from Radiant Garden.

"We really don't want to take anything from you, Emi. We only want to give you something you'll appreciate, a purpose and happiness. Why else would we have stopped your suicide attempt? If we really wanted you to suffer, we would have done nothing."

[Nadia used Cognizance.
Posts until next use: 2
Uses remaining: 4]

[Oathkeeper Emi]

This is a strange feeling.
--

Of course I do. My home is Radiant Garden. My friends are Castle, at least. Maybe I have other friends. That's a lie... it's a lie...

"I don't want you to give me a purpose![/color]" Emi shouted. "I don't need you to! I am my own person, goddammit, I'll make my own decisions![/color]"

The water meant little to her now. Fury seemed to be the only cure for her phobia. She stumbled to her feet and was going to keep shouting but Nadia was in her memories again. This time, Emi tried to push her out. She pressed the heel of her hand against her brow and ground her back teeth together. "Get out of my head...get out![/color]"

Oh god, what was she erasing now? Was it more of Castle? No... no, that was the same. What was it then? There was something missing, she could feel it and the sensation was very much like having a word at the tip of her tongue. On the verge of remembering but the information just wouldn't come to her.

How much more of this could she stand until she broke? How many times could she allow her mind the be violated? She had both hands at her face now, still desperately trying to force Nadia away and still desperately trying to remember what she had forgotten.

She dropped one hand. And then the other. And then she looked up, with a confused look on her face. I guess what she's saying makes sense... what the hell am I saying!? Is Nadia doing this to me? Is it some kind of trick? She didn't know what to believe anymore.

We. She kept saying 'we', referring to herself and Jericho. For the first time since Paris, Emi didn't feel as much hated towards him. She didn't tense up when she thought about it, and she didn't feel like punching his stupid, smug face in. She still disliked him, but she was beginning to feel like she had after Paris... still not happy with him, but a grudgingly grateful. Nadia's words seemed true but as much as Emi wanted to believe her, there was still one thing to be settled.

"Maybe you're right... but what if I don't want you to give me happiness or a purpose? Don't you think that's something that means so much more if I find it myself? If you don't want to take anything from me, stop doing it. If you don't want me to suffer, stop making me suffer. I know you say you don't care about hypocrisy, but now you're just being counterproductive.[/color]"

[Aerith]

A little bit at a time.
--------

Nadia was pleased that Emi calmed down somewhat after her memory tampering. There was still resistance, but it was far more rational. It was much easier to talk to someone who wasn't shouting back.

"As I said before, we haven't taken much at all. And if freedom is what you're worried about, you can have it when you accept the power the darkness offers. You strike me as a person who doesn't enjoy being kept on a leash."

Nadia shook her head and sighed. "To be honest, I don't like keeping you on a leash, either. I would rather see you reach your full potential on your own."

Turning completely to Emi, she looked at her curiously. Naturally, she knew that Emi would need some help getting to the darkness, much as Nadia herself had. All it would take was some pushing for those first few steps. It would be downhill after that.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

How do I know you don't know what I'm thinking about what you know about what I know?
--

Emi sighed and blew her bangs out of her face impatiently. Well, there was no point in trying to reason with Nadia. The woman kept repeating herself. She made little sense to Emi and vice versa. Calmer she may have been, and her feelings for Jericho were a little less... homicidal but she was still wary of the situation. She didn't know what to feel anymore. Anything could merely be a trick of the mind, something Nadia or Jericho was making her feel. That was a scary thought and she wasn't sure how to respond except with extreme caution and distrust.

"If you don't like it, then let me go. Jericho likes you, I doubt you would be in too much trouble if you just let me leave...[/color]" she told Nadia, but then added "Let me leave and not kill one of three people I actually care about.[/color]"

It was a long shot but worth a try. She looked expectantly to Nadia and crossed her arms, but then shook her head only seconds later. "Forget it... I just...[/color]" Her gaze flickered back over to the water. Without the urge to wring Nadia's neck distracting her, she was slipping back into a panic. "We should get out of here,[/color]" she continued. She sounded a bit nervous.

What she really wanted, though, was some time alone to think about some things. Wonder how hard it is to get some privacy with these people, she thought. Escaping to the cathedral had been easy enough. Maybe she could pull that off again and go there to think. It was quiet when there were people screaming and running away or when she wasn't trying to kill herself. And she wouldn't mind seeing that stained glass window again...

[Aerith]

All right. We'll leave.
--------

For a while, Nadia said nothing and listened to the sound of the waves. Something about water always seemed to soothe her. It was nothing like Agrabah. That was the reason. How unfortunate that Emi didn't share the same appreciation for it.

"You keep hearing only pieces of what I say. I may not like you staying on a leash, but whether or not you are released is your choice. And I think the terms of your freedom have been made clear already."

She smiled a little. "It's not a matter of getting in trouble, either. Jericho liking me has no bearing on you. Think yourself special all you like. You're just one of many who have a Keyblade. If you don't cooperate, we'll kill you. Or your half-remembered acquaintance, whichever."

She opened a Corridor and glanced at Emi. "Go."