In for the Kill [Emi]

[Castle]

For the first time that day, he looked her straight in the eye.

"What kind of a question is that? Do you really think I would be that stupid?" In spite of everything, he had to smirk. "I mean, come on. Give me some credit. You and mom..." The smirk faded again. "...You guys are all I've got. I wouldn't trade that for anything."

His fingers curled into fists. "This darkness thing ends now. But... I don't know how I'm going to get it to go away. It's in me so deep, I can feel it. It... burns."

The last part slipped out unbidden, and he glanced away and suppressed a shudder. Ever since Twilight Town, the darkness had felt like an unwelcome invader that he'd been trying to cope with instead of kick out. What if it was too late?

"I know Zexion and the balance thing are full of shit, but he said that if I don't control this darkness, it would consume me. The problem is that I have no idea how to control it at all. I thought I did, but then I would get so angry and completely lose it, like I did today. I don't even know what sets me off anymore. One minute, I'm fine, and the next, I just want to kill something!"

He ended up with his hands gripping his knees. "It's happened before I knew about the darkness, too. I would just go crazy on some random guy in the street for the littlest thing. That's how I got arrested in Notre Dame. I saw this guy harassing a girl, and instead of just threatening him or hitting him once to get the point across, I attacked him." He shook his head. "It's better than what I did the first time, though..."

He shut his mouth, realizing what he was about to tell her. Unfortunately, he also went rigid, which destroyed any attempt to cover it up, should Emi think to ask.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

You're not telling me something...
--

Emi couldn't help but sigh in relief. She had been holding her breath waiting for his answer, actually scared of his choice. It was a start, at least. There was still a long road ahead, for the both of them. She listened to what Castle had to say and nodded sympathetically. They really were a lot alike, and she was going to say something to that effect before she noticed him freeze up. She frowned. That particular reaction was familiar to her. He was hiding something, and he was guilty about what he was hiding.

"The first time what?[/color]" she asked, narrowing her eyes at him. The first time they had been to Paris, she had tried to throw herself off the cathedral. What had happened to him during the time she'd left him alone?

[Castle]

Shit. There would be no lying to that suspicious glare. Castle gritted his teeth and hung his head, cursing himself for not shutting up sooner. On the other hand... maybe it was time to just let it out.

"The first time we went to Notre Dame, when you and I split up..." He didn't want to mention her suicide attempt. "...I, ah, got my pocket picked by some guy. He took that figurine I showed you, the star fruit one. When I asked him to give it back, he played dumb, and... I got into a fight with him."

He took a shaky breath and ran his fingers nervously though his bangs. "Even after I got the figurine back, I didn't stop. I was just so pissed off that I wasn't thinking straight. I kept hitting him when he was down until... until people started shouting that I had killed him."

Killed. The word put an uncomfortable heaviness in his chest. "I don't know if I really did or not. I thought I saw him breathing, I really did, but I was mobbed. I had to run before they got me," he said.

And who was to say he deserved to run away? He finished quickly, "I swear, I never meant to kill anyone. I would never do that, but... I... I don't know what happened back there..."

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Hahah.
--

"Hmm...[/color]"

Honestly, she didn't know how to answer. It wasn't as if she could be angry at him. That would be hypocritical. When she started thinking about the things that made her guilty, there was only one thing she could tell herself. And that's what she told Castle.

"At least someone knows now, right? It's in the past now. You can't go back and change it so there's no use in dwelling. All you can do now is forgive yourself and work hard to make sure it never happens again.[/color]"

She leaned forward on her knees and put a hand on his shoulder. "If it helps, I forgive you. And furthermore, he's probably not even dead. You'd be surprised how resilient people are.[/color]"

[Castle]

He was surprised by how much of a relief her forgiveness was, even though she'd had nothing to do with it. The point was that someone forgave him, and maybe that was all that mattered.

"I hope you're right," he said. He knew he would still be wondering about it, maybe for the rest of his life, but at least he'd gotten it off his chest.

"But... I just don't want anything like that to happen again, and it almost did, this morning. Fighting's the last thing I want to do right now, but I don't know what's going to set me off next. I don't know how to get this under control, let alone get rid of it," he said wearily.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Too tired to make a real post.
--

"Welcome to my world, shorty,[/color]" she chuckled. "Though, I think everything will be all right. Eventually.[/color]"

Her laugh trailed off and she found herself staring off into space. Thinking about things. "You know... I think we really need that vacation. Maybe once your mom leaves, if she does, we should just disappear somewhere where none of this stuff can find us anymore, you know? That's dumb... but I think we just need a break.[/color]"

[Castle]

This time, when Castle tried to smile, it actually worked, if a bit weakly.

"Yeah, you got that right," he agreed.

He looked out the living room windows. His mom wasn't in sight yet. He hoped she hadn't gotten lost somewhere, since he didn't know how long she had to get acclimated.

"I just need to get her to go home first. Odds are she'll be more worried about me than ever..." His guilt returned, and his smile sobered. "I can't believe how much I've let her down."

He sighed. "Geez. I'm sick of this already. You're right, we need a freaking vacation."

[Oathkeeper Emi]

Yes, she is suggesting violence as the cure for violence.
--

Emi got up off the floor and walked to the window. "Yeah... but we're going to need munny. That should be our first order of business. Get munny, get food and then do absolutely nothing until we get bored.[/color]"

She looked over her shoulder and flashed him a smile... an evil, evil smile. "And then, we go looking for a fight.[/color]"

[Castle]

That smile sent a chill up Castle's spine.

"W-Wait, what? I thought we just decided that me getting into a fight is a bad thing?" he asked.

Well, at least that's what he determined in his mind. His problems with the darkness seemed to be directly connected to him picking fights all the time. Of course, giving it up completely simply wasn't going to happen, but at the moment, he was just sick and tired of losing control and getting beaten up as a result. Or worse, having his heart or soul or whatever damaged beyond repair...

He tried not to think about that.

[Oathkeeper Emi]

So over-confident.
--

"You have to get stronger somehow. And punching walls and things is only going to get you so far,[/color]" she explained. "We'll go looking for Heartless. Big ones.[/color]"

She turned back to the window, still smirking, and leaned her head against the glass. "And then when we've become too good for them we'll just beat the shit out of each other, okay?[/color]"

[Castle]

At first, he just stared at her, saying nothing. Then, he smirked and looked down at the floor.

"Yeah. Sounds good to me," he said.