Exile [Nadia/Open]

[Slash]

Silence.

August 20th, 2010
Schizophrenia- Saya No Uta OST[/center]

Jericho did not speak. He did not move. He hadn't had a reason too, being that he hadn't touched food or water in a long time.

Not that he planned to die. If he wanted to die, he would have picked a much showier way. Such as forcing the darkness within his heart to implode, eliminating any trace of his existence in an instant. He could do that if he really wanted to.

He had almost really wanted to.

Such an act would be selfish in a way- Nadia would be alone. Of course, she was now. That had also been selfish. But he was inherently a selfish being, which had been something he had almost forgotten while around her.

It would have also been selfless, eliminating himself. Like ridding the world of a plague. That was why he hadn't done it in the end.

Darkness did not course around him as it had done before. He had been cutting it off, steadily. His reasons for doing so were the same as his reasons for not eating or drinking.

He just wanted to see how long he could last going against his own impulses. And by cutting off the darkness, he wanted to see how much of himself he could gain back. A good deal of it was gone, but he'd been working on reaching what he had been before the anti-form took over.

As it turned out, becoming the emissary of the darkness meant his utter destruction at the hands of it when he had finished his work. He realized that when he had used its powers extensively enough, and then realized his own selfishness and cowardice when he recoiled violently from the prospect.

Perhaps he would die here eventually, or perhaps he would find something to work towards. As it was now, all he had to work towards was the steady weakening of himself to prevent his own death.

[Aerith]

When I find you, I'll...do something.
--------

Never before had two desires conflicted so strongly within Nadia. On the one hand, she needed to keep looking. Movement was imperative until she found what--who--she sought. But the longer she searched and found nothing, the faster her resolve weakened.

World after world, she tore through them all. Figuratively. Loneliness gnawed at her to the point where she did not have the heart to kill anything. The need was still there, pulsing steadily in the back of her mind. But without him, it all seemed so pointless to her.

I did it for you. I only did it for you. I'll do it again if that means you come back. Was it not enough? Let me find you, and I'll do whatever you ask.

Endless cycles of silent pleas she knew he would never hear stampeded like wild desert horses through her head. Every world she visited increased her desperation. Was he dead? He couldn't be.

She would know it. Wouldn't she?

No amount of self-searching produced favorable results. The darkness told her nothing, gave her no clues, no hunches, no intuition to go on. Frustration would blossom, and she would search more diligently. If she wasn't careful, she would run herself into the ground and have to stop searching for several days.

Then, she arrived on a world she had never seen before.

In some ways, it reminded her of Agrabah--barren, dry, and uninviting. On other worlds, she had been able to lose herself in the crowds. Here, the depths of her solitude hit her full force. There was nothing for her here, and she reopened a Corridor to take her away.

Something was different.

She could sense it, a faint whisper in her heart. The Corridor slowly closed, and she turned to scan the desolate wasteland. The area was so vast, and from here, she could see nothing.

Where?

No noticeable response. So, she chose a direction and began walking.

What else did she have to do?

[Slash]

Not yet.

Jericho heard the sound of footsteps. They weren't far off, but they came from around the bottom of the cliff that Jericho was sitting near the edge of.

He didn't have the heart to kill or talk to anyone. Who was it? He peered carefully off of the edge.

Ah, shit. I should have known she'd be combing the worlds to find me.[/color]

Using a Corridor in his present state would be a bad idea. On the other hand, he wasn't sure he had the strength to do anything else. He tried standing, and although he managed to get upright he knew that trying to walk away would result in a very undignified fall. He forced himself to sit back down.

Hopefully, she won't come up here. Of course, she probably will.[/color]

He wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to pretend he cared about her in his present state. He was too preoccupied. Besides, he probably looked terrible. Not eating for god knows how long would do that to you.

[Aerith]

There you are.
--------

Walking in aimless directions was not going to help. If she found higher ground, maybe she could see better.

There was a path the led up into the cliffs, and Nadia took it, careful to avoid any loose pebbles or holes. She was so focused that reaching the top of the trail caught her by surprise. For a moment, she almost didn't see him.

When she did, everything she had imagined she would do or say left her.

He looked far more disheveled than she ever remembered him being, and for what seemed to be ages, she just stood and stared. Words kept catching in her throat, until she finally managed to find her voice.

"I've looked everywhere for you." She paused, concern creeping into her eyes. "You look awful."

[Slash]

Crap.

[/center]

Of course she had to give the world a good look.

"You shouldn't have," he said, looking up at her with blank, unfocused eyes. "I needed longer. As it stands, I'm surprised you found me. I thought I'd cut off enough of myself to not be traced."

He looked at his hands. "Or maybe it was just persistence on your part. Believe me, no matter how desperate you are, leaving would be a better choice than staying. Or trying to get me to leave."

Jericho sighed. He didn't actually think she'd leave. He'd made her far too close to him. "You most likely have a lot of questions, and I assure you that you won't like any of the answers."

[Aerith]

Explain.
--------

She wanted to be angry at him. She tried really hard. But that look he had given her did not make it easy.

"How can you say that? How can you tell me to leave, after everything? If this is just another game, then stop it. I don't like it."

She let that hang in the air, her fists slowly clenching and relaxing over and over again at her sides. Finally, the questions came in a torrent.

"Why did you disappear? What happened? I didn't know what to do. I even went back to Radiant Garden, and Aerith couldn't tell me anything."

[Slash]

I said you wouldn't like the answers.

[/center]

Jericho stared off into the distance for a long time before replying.

"I disappeared because I ran away. Simple. I've done it many times before. I shed lives like a snake sheds its skin. I thought I could stick with this life...but I can't. Not since I learned that it would mean my death."

He closed his eyes and laid down. "Once I had finished my mission, I would have been torn apart and absorbed fully into the darkness. Not that it would have mattered at that point. Even as I am now, the darkness corroded my mind something fierce. I've been here picking up the shattered pieces."

His hand lazily drew patterns in the dirt. How long had it been since he'd slept? He'd kept from doing it out of fear that the darkness would claim him then, but it seemed that he had recovered enough of himself and cut off enough of it to resist.

"You can stay with me, if you like. But I don't think you ever knew me, except perhaps at the very beginning. You knew a different version of me, one partially controlled by the darkness and seeking other vessels. If you leave, you can retain whatever image you have of me. You either have that desperation, or even greater pain if things don't turn out well. I can't answer that question myself. All the pieces aren't back yet."

[Aerith]

This is the most I've spoken aloud in a long time.
--------

Nadia continued to stand while Jericho talked. And she continued to stand in silence for a long while after he had finished. A slight shift in the air stirred the dust on the cliff.

When she moved, it was not immediately to his side. Instead, she went to the edge of the cliff and looked out at the world. It wasn't any better from this height. She hated it.

Slowly, she sat, though her back was to Jericho. One leg dangled over the edge, while she pulled the other one close to her chest, her chin nestled on top of that knee.

Deep breath.

"I liked you in the beginning. Otherwise, I don't think I would have left Twilight Town. At the time, I didn't fully realize it. Maybe I was--maybe I still am--just a puppet, but I'm a willing one. I liked you, because...it seemed like I mattered to you, for whatever reason. No one else had hardly given me a second thought for most of my life, and the attention was unusual, to say the least. I wanted to be with you, not because of what you could do, but because of how being important made me feel. I only want...to be wanted."

She paused to consider what else there was to say. "Everything after I started to grow closer to you, once you became the Avatar of Darkness, all of that mattered to me only as a means to an end. I only did it all to stay with you, because I thought it was what you wanted."

Her eyes closed, and she tightened her hold on her leg. "The thought of being alone...terrifies me. Even if I know that you've taken advantage of that fact, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't suddenly make that fear vanish. I need to stay."

[Slash]

If you want.

[/center]

"...I see."

Jericho sighed. "Yes, I understand."

He struggled to get up, but managed in the end. "Then, I just ask that I have enough time to recover completely. I don't want to risk screwing up the process."

He looked out onto the horizon. The spider was gone, and his Other was gone as well. The darkness's power had left him.

It was worth it to feel like himself again.

"I have to do that much completely alone."

[Aerith]

If I have to.
--------

Nadia exhaled slowly and relaxed her shoulders. The leg she had been holding slid down to join the one already resting over the edge.

"How long?"

She finally turned to him. He looked so frail, as if the slightest breeze would knock him over. Was this what he had felt when she had almost died? "You need food and water. And you look like you haven't slept in days. At least let me bring you something to eat, and then I'll... I'll go somewhere else for a little while."

[Slash]

Hm.

[/center]

Jericho thought about that for a while. "Another day or two, I think. And if you want to bring me something, don't bring me anything that actually tastes good. And don't bring too much of it. I have to force myself to do this by hurting myself until it's done."

He looked over at her. "And Nadia?"

Jericho sat down. He was alone again, as it should be...alone except for a fool of a girl that chose to follow him no matter what. Well, as long as she could adapt once again it'd be fine.

"...Thanks."

[Aerith]

Don't go anywhere.
--------

Jericho's gratitude caught Nadia by surprise. "Of course. You're welcome."

She studied him for a long moment. In her relief at finding him, she had barely registered the full implications of what he had told her. Now, other questions were rising, questions she wasn't sure he could answer.

If he was no longer the Avatar, what did that mean for her? As far as she knew, nothing had changed within her heart. But the darkness couldn't be content with losing Jericho. What if it tried to make her take his place?

"I'll be back soon with something as unappetizing as possible."

She stood and shook off the anxiety for her own well-being. Nursing him back to health was more important right now. A Corridor opened behind her, and after giving him one last concerned look, she turned and left him behind.

[Slash]

Back to silence.

[/center]

Jericho watched her leave and immediately turned to the matter at hand, trying to ignore the fact that she had ever been present. She'd be back in a second so it was ultimately pointless, but he needed every second he could get. Every moment he felt like he was on the edge of a cliff, and that if he relaxed for one second the darkness would rush in and kill him.

Of course, that was probably paranoia. But that was another piece of him that he had to keep, so whatever.

[Aerith]

No. Would I?
--------

Nadia had not given much thought to where she was going to get appropriate food. As chance would have it, she had ended up in Port Royal--near the shack she and Jericho had sheltered in before. The place wasn't in nearly as much of a mess as they had left it, but the tell-tale signs of the massacre were still apparent to her.

It wasn't raining.

There was no time to waste lingering in the past. She quickly went into the town to lift the first loaf of stale bread she could find. Once that was done, she snatched a small canteen of water and immediately exited the world through a Corridor.

In the transition, Nadia paused in the midst of the darkness. Why was she even doing this? Jericho had abandoned her completely on purpose, and no matter how many times he said that he didn't mind her staying, he would keep abandoning her. Again and again and again. Nothing she could do or say would make him really want her. She knew, deep down, that he had only said that he cared about her, that he loved her, to keep her hanging from her strings.

She didn't need him. She could kill him and be much happier. And she wouldn't be alone as long as she had Azrael.

The sensation of her fingers brushing against one of her knives jerked her out of the trance-like state she had sunk into. Reflexively, she clutched the bread and water to her chest with both hands and shut her eyes. She was suddenly hyper-aware of her heart pounding in her chest. Several beads of sweat ran down her temples.

Blindly, she exited the darkness, and her Corridor out deposited her back on the world where Jericho was. She found herself at the base of the path up to the cliff, which allowed her a moment to stop trembling. She swiped a hand across her forehead and breathed deeply of the dry air.

Once she was back on the cliff, Nadia placed the food and canteen next to Jericho. "Here," she said quietly and straightened back up. "I hope that's okay."

[Slash]

You're back.

[/center]

"Thanks," he said again, picking up the bread and taking a small bite. It was impossible to chew, terribly made, and dry enough to irritate his throat beyond belief. That would work. He took a sip of the water, which seemed to more metallic than water should, and immediately had to stop himself from downing the whole thing.

"You should ask whatever's on your mind before I get up the mental strength to lie convincingly again," he said offhandedly as he took another sip. That was an extremely bittersweet reward for her help- the only type of reward he gave.

Whatever her question was, the answer would probably hurt her. However, none of them should surprise her, and if they did then he had misjudged her badly.