Exile [Nadia/Open]

[Nothingness]

Or just being normal for once

Clive chuckled softly to himself. "A wise man once said, 'We're all crazy when we're in love.' So, you're probably both." He hoped a little bit of levity would help the situation. After all, while he couldn't possibly know all of it, Nadia's history certainly wasn't the most normal. And as twisted as Jericho had made her heart, some normalcy in her was a relief.

Standing up, he looked turned around and looked up at the sky, asking Nadia absentmindedly, "What do you intend to do now?"

[Aerith]

Think I'll just stay here.
--------

"I suppose. Though, I don't think that kind of insanity applies in this case."

She traced her fingers over the dirt at her side while she thought. There was nowhere for her to go, and she had no plans. The thing she was most worried about was keeping the darkness from taking over. Her paranoia continued to extend to keeping Azrael cut off, but if she kept that up for too much longer, the ache her Persona's absence left behind might become unbearable. The strain was not unexpected.

"I...don't know. I guess I'll stay here. I don't think I have the heart to go anywhere, much less do anything."

If she was honest with herself, she would say she wouldn't mind wasting away the rest of her days in that place.

[Nothingness]

Enough of that

Clive didn't reply for a few moments. When he did, his response what somewhat cold, though not with the intention of being hurtful. "So you're just going to give up and rot in this hell? I didn't think you'd give up so easily." Provocation might not be the best idea at the moment, but after the crap he put himself through, he hated seeing people wallow in self-pity.

[Aerith]

I'm out of ideas.
--------

Her fingers curled into a fist in the dirt. "I'm alone, Clive. What else do you expect me to do? I don't know anyone who doesn't want to kill or at least hurt me. And I can't say that I don't equally want to hurt or kill them in return."

She forced herself to relax. Getting angry again, even though it came as naturally as breathing, was not going to help matters. "My one real constant, Azrael, I have to keep locked away. Maybe I'm overly paranoid. Maybe I'm not."

Returning her eyes to Clive, she said, "So, if you have any ideas, please tell me."

[Nothingness]

Then think harder

"I expect you to get yourself out of this depression and move on with your life." As much as he'd love to tell her that the reason she doesn't know anyone who wouldn't want to kill or hurt her is her own damn fault (though Jericho's influence was the ultimate cause), Clive knew better. He didn't need her turning on him, or losing herself to any more negative emotions. She had a chance to fix herself, and by god would he make sure she took it.

Crossing his arms, he looked down at Nadia, his face in a contemplative scowl. "Is Asherah still in there somewhere?" If she could find her, then maybe there was some hope...

[Aerith]

This is not the same as last time.
--------

Nadia met Clive's gaze unflinchingly. "I don't know. I think she's gone. She turned into Azrael when the darkness tried to take my heart. If she hadn't done that, I don't think I would have survived."

Tentatively, she let down the barriers she had set up to keep Azrael at bay. An awareness of the chimera flooded through her, and she exhaled a sigh of relief. For the moment, she was whole.

Why do you keep me separate, Nadia? I only want to protect you.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid. I guess that means I'm afraid of myself.

My form does not matter. Whatever you want is what I want, and I care nothing about anyone else other than you. Because I am you. I only pushed you to release me to kill him because that is ultimately what you wanted in that moment, even if you denied it. Now...you do not want that. You would rather he live, and I am not sure why. I cannot answer everything. But do not think I am some agent of the darkness seeking to destroy you. Why would I seek to destroy myself?

Her eyes had gone somewhere beyond Clive for a few minutes, but suddenly, they refocused on him. The makings of a smile formed on her face. "I think she's still with me, even if she looks different."

The tarot card flashed into existence between her and Clive, and rather than drawing a knife, she reached a hand up and tapped it gently. The card disintegrated and reformed in the shape of Azrael behind her. He was laid out protectively, paws crossed and serpent tail stretched lazily against the ground, though keeping a close watch on Clive. The feline head bent to nuzzle her reassuringly.

She raised a hand to stroke the side of that head. You're mine. Aren't you? Not his.

Yes. That has never changed.

Nadia's smile widened. "See?" she said to Clive. "Different. But I've always been like that."

[Nothingness]

I think you're going to be alright

Clive returned Nadia's smile with one of his own. Yeah--she wasn't too far gone at all. "Different's good." Clive walked very tentatively forward and sat down on the other side of Azreal, placing one hand on the goat's head.

He partially lost himself in this moment--it was something so simple, despite how bizarre it would look to any outsider. When he at last spoke he didn't face Nadia, but simply spoke out loud. "There's a place where we all belong--even if we think there isn't. A place where no one cares to ask where we came from, or what we did, or even who we were." Turning to Nadia, he asked, "Did you have a place like that before all of this madness began?"

[Aerith]

I'm not so sure.
--------

Azrael didn't protest when Clive touched his goat head, and that pair of eyes closed. A low rumble sounded deep in his throat.

"Well, I don't know. I... I don't think I can go back to Agrabah. I don't think I want to."

She looked at the feline head and scratched its jaw. "I suppose...there's Twilight Town." She was hesitant to go back there, though. She really didn't feel like she belonged there, either.

[Nothingness]

Just go to try

"Returning to Agrabah would no doubt be foolish, but Twilight Town would probably be the best choice." He began to gently pet the goat's head, musing aloud to himself. "It's difficult for people like us to feel as if we belong anywhere, but we just need to try."

"It was awkward, to say the least, in Radiant Garden, but after a while everyone just treated me the same as anyone else. " For a moment, his mind drifted back to Radiant Garden, and he was feeling something akin to homesickness. Still, he had made a decision and he would be sticking to it for the moment. Facing Nadia he spoke with conviction, "But we can't run away from our past. We can't try to ignore it, or hang on to it like a crutch. We have to move on with our lives. Even if they're only small steps forward, they're steps we need to take."

[Aerith]

There is a third option.
--------

Clive's attention to Azrael had the secondary effect of calming her further. Not surprising, considering the chimera was an extension of herself.

"Starting over. Like nothing ever happened..." Nadia mused quietly to herself. But it had happened. And even if she tried to let go of her past, it would still be there in some form.

Unless.

"I have a way I could make the movement easier." She looked at Clive with a little uncertainty. "I have the ability to make myself forget. Really forget, not just pretend things never happened. I'll forget my exile, I'll forget Aerith, I'll forget you, I'll forget killing my family...and I'll forget Jericho. I could go back to being me before I was sent off to Twilight Town. I can't go back to living in Agrabah, but everything else can be the way it used to be. Maybe you'd consider that running away from my past, but it would almost be like my penance for all the things I've done."

The more she considered the idea, the more she was attracted to it. In this state, she might try to live differently, but her mind was too tainted to ever seamlessly integrate into society, even if it was in Twilight Town.

"Besides, Twilight Town was where he first found me. I don't know what I'll do if I see him again."

[Nothingness]

Is it that easy?

At first, Clive was amazed at how simple, yet effective that idea was. It would be absolutely perfect. But the more he thought about it, the less it appealed to him. "It's a good plane, but, I can't help but think that even if you forgot everything, what about Azrael? Or, since he's a part of you would he forget as well?" Although he didn't say it, he wondered what would happen if someone who remembered her found her and tried to kill her for what she'd done?

[Aerith]

It could be. Possibly.
--------

"I think he would forget everything, too. I suppose it would be strange to forget but then still have Azrael. I don't know how I would explain that to myself."

She thought about it some more, but she couldn't come up with a suitable answer. Perhaps she would simply accept it. She would have to, along with the unknown reason for why she was no longer in Agrabah.

"The idea has its drawbacks, but I think it's better than the alternatives."

She wouldn't forget, of course. She knew that. There was always a chance, no matter how slim, that she would remember everything she would suppress. She didn't need to tell Clive that, though.

[Nothingness]

Be careful what you wish for

"Well, whatever choice you decide to make, I won't stop you. Nor would I even think to. Although..." He trailed off, a thought coming to him. "If you do go through with it, I'd at least leave yourself a reminder of some things. Such as not returning to Agrabah, or about Azrael's existence."

It would be far more dangerous for her to be ignorant of everything she did--rather better to leave a record of where she shouldn't return, or any important facts that should be remembered. Clive sincerely doubted that the people of any of the worlds she had visited with Jericho particularly cared for her coming back.

[Aerith]

Say goodnight to you.
--------

Nadia made her decision and stood up. She fished in her pockets for a scrap of paper and something with which to write. Silence reigned as she scribbled a few things down. When she finished, she folded the paper and wrote "Important" on the outside. The note to herself disappeared back into her pocket.

A Corridor formed behind her, and Azrael lifted all three of its heads before vanishing. "Goodbye, Clive. If I see you again, I won't remember you. I'm sorry." She hesitated, looking off into the distance as she continued. "If you see him, tell him that I... Never mind. It's not important..."

With that, she turned and went through the Corridor.
___________________________

Twilight Town had not changed in the time she had been away. Luckily, no one here seemed to have heard anything that would tie her specifically to any damage being done to the other worlds. More fortunate still, Nadia found the house she most frequently had stayed in to be occupied by the same elderly woman.

"My goodness, is that you, Nadia? I was beginning to think you would never come back. I've kept your room just like you left it."

Nadia dipped her head in gratitude. "That's good, Ms. Crawford. I'm a bit tired, so I think I'll rest there for a while, if that's alright."

"Of course, honey, you go on upstairs. Have you been eating well? I'll fix you something whenever you're ready," Ms. Crawford said with a motherly smile.

Once Nadia was shut inside the small room, she pulled out the piece of paper again and made an additional note on it. Moving over to the bed, she sat down. Suddenly, what she was about to do to herself hit her, and she cried quietly for a few minutes.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale again. And exhale.

She began slowly, gently breaking apart a few links in the chains of her own memories. The effort was painstaking. Every so often, she would pause so as not to strain herself too much.

One by one, memories vanished in the darkness, recreating all of her perceptions over again. First, memories of Agrabah and exile and the deaths of her family. The holes grew wider when she repressed Aerith and Clive and Daniel and Emi--wider still, when all the other worlds she had seen vanished, as well.

And then, there were only a few left.

Goodbye...Jericho.

It was done.

When she opened her eyes, the presence of tears streaking down her cheeks confused her. She wiped at them, then looked around the room. Where was she?

Who are we?

She jumped at the voice in her head, and a piece of paper floated to the ground. Curious, she bent to pick it up and unfolded it.

"His name is Azrael. He is part of you, and he will protect you." Where did you come from?

There was hesitation. I have always been here. We are one in the same.

"You are in Twilight Town, not Agrabah, because you were sent away to see other worlds. Father knew you were different and allowed you to leave. But do not return there. It would be better to stay away."

Nadia looked up from the paper and looked at the room again. Of course. How could she have forgotten? She had never enjoyed the trappings of Agrabah society. Her eyes went back to the paper.

"Ms. Crawford is an excellent cook. Do not refuse anything she gives you to eat. She is amicable."

She smiled a bit at that one. Her stomach rumbled now that food had been mentioned.

There was more. Something squished in right at the very bottom.

"You are not dependent on him. But you love him, even if he hates you."

Blinking, she lingered over those words for the longest time. She wasn't dependent on whom? Who did she love, and why did he hate her?

A knock sounded at the door. "Nadia? If you're awake, I went ahead and made a few things. They're waiting for you downstairs."

Her head snapped up, and the paper fell from her hands. "Oh, I'm coming!"

She opened the door and followed the delicious aroma down to the kitchen, forgetting for the moment that cryptic final message.

[Nadia used Cognizance.
Posts until next use: 4
Uses remaining: 2]

[Nothingness]

You won't see me

"Goodbye, Nadia." Was all that Clive could say as he watched her leave. The next time they met, if they ever did, it would be like meeting for the first time. What an odd prospect...

As he boarded the ship, he couldn't quite brush away the feeling of sadness he was getting. It seemed silly to him--he didn't even know Nadia all that well, and even then, certainly not on the best of terms. Yet at the same time, here he was feeling melancholic about the situation. At the end of the day, it was her decision, and if she believed it to be the right one, then it was. Clive had no business worrying about it.